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A bit worried and unsure. - Le Journal de Saravana [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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A bit worried and unsure. [Sep. 24th, 2004|05:20 pm]
[Current Music |Ute Lemper - The Part You Throw Away]

My "poetry journal" at i_had_a_dream is very neglected. I know that whenever I want to write a poem it just flows naturally, but the issue is with getting to write them.

Another issue is that I attach too much ego to what I produce, as if there was one poem that was better than the other, and writing a new one detracted from the previous ones. I should tell myself they all are as shitty one as the other, and that anyway, I am always free to come back and make my own choice for a more exalted setting.

I also am into sketching, and get the same problem: going into it. I know my sketches are good, they are dynamic, they are precise, they are decisive.

I think I am going to close down i_had_a_dream because it doesn't make sense to have a separate journal for what I value most. I simply end up publishing in two journals instead of one. I prefer using the "memory" feature to easily reference my favorite entries.

Oh, and I reread my poetry; that was really shitty! HOWEVER, they have real meaning to me, they describe situations and events and feelings that are important, that define me better than anything I could write.

Same thing for my sketches.

Truth is: I am very narcissistic, and looking at what I produce gives me the same satisfaction as when I looked at myself in the mirror when I was a teenager.

I don't look at myself as much in the mirror nowadays; I am not as fascinated by my face as I was before. I don't know what that means. The easy way would be to say I am less beautiful than I was. Or that I lost self-esteem. But it may also be that I am more mature. That there are other things in me that I value.

I am very much into my own body still, though. But, and I won't go over this in detail, but for some precise reason, I know I am both more comfortable with it, but also, more into dragging it, shaping it, dressing it into the direction I am more comfortable with it being.

Which worries me a bit. Because I have great respect for my body. And the body of others too, BTW.