||[Nov. 14th, 2004|10:09 pm]
Was at a concert with friends, music players (violin).
Listening to classical music makes me more and more aware of my imperfections and lack of drive to be perfect. General laziness.
It also makes me aware of my mortality and lack of genius. I have to breathe hard and be courageous.
DZ was talking and talking and talking, I don't know why I am so tolerant of others' ugliness. I guess I need company. But here he was wasting it for all of us.
TC as usual very nice, but why so superficial. Mechanisms of defense. I am not able to set up such walls around myself.
I don't know how long I will make it here. There is something beyond. I have to keep on striving in my writing, at D. Don't hesitate in being sophisticated. Write and rewrite my parts. Be long and detailed. Which is a change in policy, but I have to be to the standards of screen-writers... and xetes who is able to manage the words in a very chic and efficient way, while at the same time being griping (life experience).
I am more and more alone in my thoughts as this LJ is not read anymore, and the other it is not "me". I guess I have to keep on working on the sublimation of my feelings, a good way being to translate them in the voice of another.
And anyway, I cannot stand others reading my private thoughts. Because I am ashamed of who I am and am too sensitive to what others say. I can't have a dialogue. And saying meaningless things just for others... has no meaning!