||[Nov. 9th, 2004|03:15 pm]
I think I should take nude pictures of myself like ovariancyst does.
He is really cute. Makes me feel better about myself too. I think he is cuter than I am; his lips are fuller, his hair is longer (but that will change), and while he is very thin, he still preserves some roundness that I don't have.
But I do have things going for me too I think. I look too serious and tense though. It is a matter of attitude. I am rather macho, because I had to overcompensate when people were making fun of me when I was little, calling me the “garcon-fille” (boy-girl). I had to fight with my fists and beat them all one after the other to prove my masculinity. And also, stop spending my time around girls. Hanging with the boys; something I never was good at because soon I would be tempted to flirt with them (or they would behave as if I was a girl). I liked that.
Ok, coming back to ovariancyst, I still feel awkward looking at him, because he is so shameless. But I really admire that he is able to expose himself like that. Too few men do so, or they are bodybuilders.
Problem is: well, I have to learn how to put make-up, and also, how to pose for the camera. This is a real art. How to be graceful and not ridiculous. My only good poses are when I look serious and well-dressed. I will post some more pictures of me like that, I took some new ones recently. If they come out OK.
I think that would be one of the reasons I would buy a digital camera. There would be a lot of rejected photos. Anyway, the only things I would post (publicly) would be details, not the whole body I think. Not anything publicly recognizable. Oh, and probably not pictures of my sex (or under an lj-cut). Eh, the penis is not so ugly after all. If you look at it with some compassion and love. I think my penis needs some love. I have been rejecting it or being indifferent to it too long. I have to learn to accept it. Acceptance.
I admit it: I still feel I have to play the role of a man, strong, secretive. And I admit I would be uncomfortable being a womanly man. If only because they don't get much respect. But there is something to say for men who take the best from women, i.e. no mannerism, only the nice clothes, the shamelessness. Keep the strength, the aggressiveness, the self-confidence. Those are things I admire in women when they have it. Though I also have submissive fantasies.
Much too short a post of course. I would have to explain better what my ideal of a person is. The full person, with the whole range of humanity. The yogi who can choose when to be a man and when to be a woman, and who is both at the same time. That is power, that is completeness.
Power of course meaning freedom. Not power in the bad sense in which we see it used all the time. That power is servitude.
Say freedom. Say honesty. Say truth. And the truth is hidden. And honesty expresses itself in roundabout ways. But it always finds its way.
I simply have to find a way to express my femininity in the "real" world too. That is the only way I can cope. I can't be frustrated all my life. It is bad for me, bad for my self-esteem, I would become very sad.
And let's say it; there is also the pleasure in provoking people and drawing attention to me. Seducing them. Breaking their resistance.