||[Nov. 6th, 2004|12:14 am]
OMG. I saw my cat sleeping on the side, after seeing a movie (Thirteen) and for one moment I thought she was dead. I am still shivering. I immediately thought "What did I do wrong" and I was so afraid. Of the guilt.
Thank God she was perfectly OK.
ION, I think I look real good those days. Tired, but good. I like my hair. Very thin face. Profile. Too severe a mouth still.
I am also beginning slowly to understand what makes men attractive. It is interesting. Hate. Love. This is not something I am used to. Seeing them as objects. It is interesting. Something I have to hide, because men don't like being treated like that. Being seen like that. That surprises them.
It is interesting because I see them from another perspective. Experimenting with a change in my thoughts and attitudes. The beginnings, the suggestion. Do I want to go further.
It doesn't even matter they are ugly. Coarse. That had always been something I had been wondering about. How you could hang out with horrible shits like that. It doesn't even matter. Other things matter.